What distinguishes a dazzlingly great German attorney from a, well, just great attorney?

What distinguishes a dazzlingly great German attorney

Superciliousness and swagger? Pecuniary legerdemain and aloofness? A corner office, or better yet a large window facing the breadth of the Alps? Is it perhaps a 'Leck mich am Arsch' attitude? Steeze? Awesome sex is a given.

In any case, it comes laced with a why-the-fuck-would-I-possibly-care attitude. You owe that to you. It's a birthright by degree. No qualms. And of course, since this is Germany a DOKTOR title, irrespective that law is no science. A doctor title is de rigueur in Good 'ol, ya know. I have no idea how people manage to exist without one. Horror!

Oh, what a view ... the Zugspitze and Alpspitze. I could be skiing up there and later grab a tit at the ice bar. Might be we rough up the bearskin later, sprinkle it with some bubblicious Roederer Crystal until she pleads guilty and begs for a retrial down under.

"What's that?" Oh, I have a client sitting over there, right. "Of course, no need to worry, we'll have you covered with that, err, that convincing evidence." What was it again, hell, this view is just so arresting ... "Oh, that is my duty, you do not worry. It's been a pleasure. Au revoir."

What, me answer emails? Such a mundane effort is beneath me, pedestrian. Did you not see my polished brass plate at the door brandishing the 'Dr.'? There you go. I take delight in hearing your encomium.

God, I love this huge oval fake cherrywood desk. Me, residing here, showboating about my achievements and particular strengths and aeons away a client. Sometimes I just wonder how this monolith of a desk manages to carry the buckets of intellectual mud I put on it.

What really revs me up are pecuniary advances. They are my personal Otaku, my juju. Once in I am on and away. After all, 'non olet'. I think Nebuchadnezzar coined it, or was it Doris Day?

Anyhoo. So just recently I accepted a case. I think, if memory serves me right, something about libel. Believe some chap called another bloke 'slimy' and the court in Bavaria followed up on it. Was not really motivated but dragged my ass over to the court house anyway. So when my turn came to ventilate some measured sentences I acceded to the indictment. God, this blonde state attorney opposite me was so fucking hot. OK, for good measure and not to appear like a total asshole, I pleaded for some form of understanding on the part of my client albeit rather blithely. Something along the lines that my client was a little aroused, lost his temper temporarily, that sort of linguistic arbitrage. Oh, you wouldn't believe what fun backstabbing is. You should see the face of a client when it so happens. I love throwing curveballs now and then. So entertaining the way they dodge and shift.

What's that? Do I have an exchange with a client about his case? You mean talk with the client? Oh come on, don't be silly, I have other clients as well. Im-Por-Tant ones! I call that time management and last time I checked, his advance had already been credited. So?

Multi-tasking is my mantra, a  genius like me juggles that easily. Yeah, missing statute of limitations might happen but, hey, on to the next case. Contrition is for wimps. Less charitable commentators would call me a screwed-up prick, or accuse me of Bunburying, I take that in strides. 'There is no aphrodisiac like innocence' as I believe some French limp baguette once said.

Negligence? Is that perhaps négligée you are talking about?

Would it help the case to get the charge sheet first? Could be, but hey, I am Schrodinger's attorney. I dive in and out, mostly out.

So here you go, cheerio, and thanks for all the fish.

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.