Former AUDI CEO Rupert Stadler looking forward to an invigorating and fruitful exchange of ideas with the judge in Munich court

Rupert Stadler - nothing more encouraging to him
than finally again being able
to shag his wife in a relaxed manner (Image)

From his posh digs former AUDI CEO Rupert Stadler confirmed some days ago that charges have been brought against him by the Munich prosecution.

He said he feels flattered by the attention shown to him but in all honesty deems it undeserved as he was only doing his job and that was looking after the sole product of AUDI, 'Vorsprung durch Technik' (Lead by Technology).

He reflected on those precious six months he had been granted to live in luxurious government-provided housing and being able to taste the finest southern German provincial cuisine. He found time to contemplate his company's business and is now absolutely convinced this must all be based on a misunderstanding.

In a snide remark, he let it slip in that he has a hunch a certain person with a flamboyant moustache who just recently had shown his lack of gratefulness by driving off into the sunset in a strange car to be the snitch.

He expressed his full trust in the unblemished record of staunch impartiality of the Munich court and is looking forward to an invigorating and fruitful exchange of ideas with the judge.

In the end, he added, he is confident that he will be fully exonerated and his integrity proven beyond the slightest doubt. There is nothing more encouraging to him than finally again being able to shag his wife in a relaxed manner he concluded with a smirk adjusting his glasses.

#Dieselgate consumer advice: "Now you listen me how to get Diesel car clean, ja!"

Allow me to first introduce myself. I am Rupert. You may also call me Matthias, Dieter, Harald, Martin. Zese names all work fine.

I am big CE OH! of ze big Vorsprung Car company.

You may have heard of some rumblings in ze media about some alleged emission test data not in compliance wiz legal requirements, ja. Ve fully understand ze concerns of our valued customers.

Just last week we had a fine buffet, err, I mean serious talks with our German lapdogs, err, politicians. In order to resolve zis small impasse quickly, ve from ze German car empire togezer wiz our trusted politicians agreed on a very generous software update. It is indeed a highly technical software, you bet.

In ze meantime, ve from ze German car empire have left no stone unturned to win ze trust of our German customers back. Today ve are proud to announce our Program of Trust you can not refuse. Our Total Solution to finally offer you what you deserve: Ze totally Clean Diesel Car. No software update needed! Genius!

Ze Total Solution German Clean Diesel Car Offer

• Just turn in your present diesel car.
• Zen you buy a new diesel car and
• You will be pampered wiz a generous rebate of up to € 10,000.
• You saved ze environment!

Ve call it ze 360 solution of total German engineering.

Baudrillard on Volkswagen #dieselgate

Watergate Volkswagen #dieselgate is not a scandal, this is what must be said at all costs, because it is what everyone is busy concealing, this dissimulation masking a strengthening of morality, of a moral panic as one approaches the primitive (mise en) scène of capital: its instantaneous cruelty, its incomprehensible ferocity, its fundamental immorality - that is what is scandalous, unacceptable to the system of moral and economic equivalence that is the axiom of leftist thought, from the theories of the Enlightenment up to Communism.

How can capitalist conduct possibly be a scandal? A scandal can not be a scandal when the subject matter works as it is supposed to work. The sudden oozing of morality left and right in the media. Fuck, something besmirched our economic religion, the neoliberal mantra, it somehow managed to seep out into the open. Something that everybody knew was concealed and as long as that was concealed, felt OK. The daily Fritzl.

One imputes this thinking to the contract of capital, but it doesn't give a damn - it is a monstrous unprincipled enterprise, nothing more. 

What the hell were you thinking? Oh you sucker for a benign economy, striving to be number one in the world in that only business you are good at, and how could it possibly be surprising, that one runs the risk of invoking Godwin's Law? You knew, at least you should, full well how unprincipled it works as it kicks you ordinary soul in the guts every day, but you chose to accommodate your qualms by imposing that undying principle, dished out to you ad nauseam, onto yourself as a religious hymn, your personal sukta. That sacred vedic chant of: JOBS. In front of that altar you commit any sacrifice because you are being told.

It is "enlightened" thought that seeks to control it by imposing rules on it. And all the recrimination that replaces revolutionary thought today comes back to incriminate capital for not following the rules of the game. "Power is unjust, its justice is a class justice, capital exploits us, etc." - as if capital were linked by a contract to the society it rules.

Rules were broken, power misused, your trust belied. 

No! You fell for it.

It is the Left that holds out the mirror of equivalence to capital hoping that it will comply, comply with this phantasmagoria of the social contract and fulfill its obligations to the whole of society (by the same token, no need for revolution: it suffices that capital accommodate itself to the rational formula of exchange).

Your disappointment longs for help, it questions your country's sovereignty as one sorry soul in a comment to a SPIEGEL article bemoaned. Young soul, rest assured, your country's sovereignty is fine and well. Were it not, the USA would send some committee over and they would confiscate those 18 billion buckeroos (or whatever the final tab will be) right away. Hope it makes you feel better.

Other folks from Zerohedge and such waste their time in comparing fines imposed on other car companies on home soil. Sorry, you did not understand the game, there is no equivalence to capital. Certainly none, when a ridiculous conglomerate of states continues to piss off US internet companies based solely on the ground that they have absolutely zippo capacity, intellect and guts to compete. 

Capital, in fact, was never linked by a contract to the society that it dominates. It is a sorcery of social relations, it is a challenge to society, and it must be responded to as such. It is not a scandal to be denounced according to moral or economic rationality, but a challenge to take up according to symbolic law. 

Nothing needs to be added here, but keep this in mind: Capital is a sorcery of social relations.

Watergate Volkswagen was thus nothing but a lure held out by the system to catch its adversaries - a simulation of scandal for regenerative ends.

The neoliberal show must go on and each will play his or her part. And you, treasured reader, will be a reliable part of it.

Jean Baudrillard in 'Simulacra and Simulations' (translated by Sheila Faria Glaser)

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